In my late teen years I decided upon making a number of pointless, and permanent vows. Never to marry, never to father, and to one day complete my ‘masterplan’.
I once considered marriage to be something of a trap. I’ve since changed my mind, but I hold that I had some accurate thoughts.
Consider; A showcase:
Young Nate mocks and denies a tradition designed for stability & happiness.
Presented by old Nate, who withholds a self-invented tradition designed for instability, to test happiness. The following text shall be presented in the style of Young Nate’s mindset.
Marriage is a concept that is neither natural nor rational.
Surprisingly, it tries to tame nature. Marriage vows include damning one’s own eventual-to-come yearnings and emotions. One must, in times of trial, dismiss their own emotions and any thoughts that may be brought on by such emotions. For example, a woman who finds a ‘better man’ may, in the moment, regret her marriage. She must find ways to overcome these thoughts and assure herself that her decision made several years ago to stay with one specific man (or woman) was a permanently correct decision.
An aside, overcoming emotions ad temporary thoughts like that is a immensely difficult task which very few people can actually accomplish. Recognising this does showcase how much of a mistake most people have made by getting married (since most people can’t control their emotions, which is a necessary ability for marriage to function).
So marriage cannot be natural. It must be rational, no? At least that would explain its conquest against emotion.
However it must be recognised that people, by their nature, change. And/or, people grow distaste towards one another (this is an inevitable fact of any relationship). There is a popular quote out there somewhere, that says ‘hate cannot exist if you achieve true understanding of another’. This sprouts from the thought that one can eventually see through a layer of, say, someone being an insufferably loud prick – beneath that layer is a lonesome soul who yearns for love, just as we all do.
However, this belief falls victim beneath the fact that yearning for love is base, as it is indiscriminate. We are contemptible things, for so long as we remain human in character.
So conclusion, marriage is neither natural nor rational. It is only widespread because it exists. It was invented, categorised, and named. In practice, it creates the experience of dulling one’s lifestyle, and cuts very short any human’s potential for life. Life is synonymous with chaos, thus it has stabilised society to some extent, and thus has lasted through the ages.
End of showcase.
My thoughts now are a little different. I optimistically recognise now the potential for sporadic marriage, which is essentially taking advantage of the arbitrary decision. Getting married can become an enjoyable joke between a couple. In these cases, the marriages aren’t really intended upon lasting.
Furthermore, in my younger days, I ignored the stability required for a child’s environment. Essentially, it’s my thought that having children requires utter sacrifice of one’s individualism and identity. A parent can never have ‘this one little break’ as is so often requested. Both parents must exist only for their children’s upbringing, and it is better for the child if they exist under the stable life of a married couple. The only escape for new parents is putting a child up for adoption. It is only a happy coincidence that most parents don’t put their children up for adoption, because it’s taboo, or too difficult, or considered immoral. The abortion debate pops up around here, but at the moment I’d rather hang myself than discuss abortion on the internet.
So my thoughts on potentially becoming a father… Nate Inomi does not want to surrender his individuality. Therefore, I can never be a father. I do not consider it my duty to become one either, since I do believe the Earth already has an unsustainably large population.
Actually, I once had a dream, that I would end my family line. Unfortunately, this would require me to murder my brother and two cousins, so I gave it up.
Now for my third vow.
I called it ‘The Masterplan’ in the past.
Once my family visited Canada. I was fifteen.
I packed a few extra things into my bag. I took a rucksack.
I made a plan. That I would run away, and indefinitely wander that country.
I made it to the front door of where we were staying. My bag was on my back, the whole town seemed asleep.
The streetlights were so bright.
I wonder now if I should have walked forward that time. I remember exactly the image of that street, it often comes back to my mind.
I ‘realised’ back then that my family would not return to Ireland. I had left a letter hidden in my father’s bag, and my sister’s luggage – both letters had the express intention of convincing them both to leave Canada.
But I was 15. I knew I could never convince them. Staying look for me would essentially ruin their lives. I would eventually return out of guilt, or more likely, would have been found. Then my time living with my family would never be the same. I would have made a very secret want known. Nothing could be the same. So I turned around at that door, took back my two letters, and went back to bed. I didn’t sleep that night.
Although still I wonder… What if I had went, and what if I was so resolute in my want to travel that I would learn how to hide myself. What if, through attrition, my family wore down and left the country. I had various plans to encourage it – for example I promised I would only communicate with them if I knew they were in Ireland.
It still would have ruined large parts of their lives, and probably mine. I know now how difficult this vagabond lifestyle can be. How would I have dealt with it at 15? I was much less emotionally stable, and was considerably more defenceless. Far more people help me than hinder me on my travels today, but a few have sought to take advantage of me – some in want of cash, pocket change, and some in want of as much as sexual gratification. I manage to hold my own now, but it has not left me un-scarred.
Also. A bag holding everything you own is tiring as fuck to carry around.
But still… If I had. If they left. If I survived.
What a freak I would be.
A vagabond on the move, since 15.
I would be unstoppable. Life is full of challenges, but I would be above them all. A true monster. I cannot express to you how much thought I consider myself capable of. If I had all that time to think, and to act – freely, I’m sure nothing could ever stop me. The beast of Nate Inomi.
But I went ‘home’, I went to school, I finished with good grades, I began a stable romance, I studied in college for two years – I took all the steps to the brick-laid path that far – until I finally returned to my masterplan.
Not quite the same masterplan I began with. I am now in France, not Canada. I’m going to Italy, and I have the express goal of winning the heart of the Italian Boss.
But I recall, back when I had those thoughts – to never marry, to never father, and to live the dirt road life, I made a vow, that those decisions would be permanent.
I recognised that I would change. I recognised specifically that I would fall in love, and I would want to stay with someone ‘forever’.
I recognised I would change my mind about things – perhaps I would see the masterplan as dangerous, or perhaps I would grow an ambition to father children.
I recognised all of this. So I damned my soul, marking it permanently
I sealed my heart. I made an eternal promise, one that was designed to overcome my future thoughts and wants. My current thoughts and wants. I’ve been caged by my past.
It’s so easy to abandon old promises. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with doing so either. Change should be encouraged, permanent promises can be made in bad times. The notions of honour and duty are feeble and misguided. I could abandon them anytime.
But, you know –
Whatever it is about me –
I’ve learned, I’ve decided to learn: to hold inner satisfaction despite my outer circumstances.
I can grow miserable, and I do – on so many days and occasions. The misery can last for weeks, even months. Yet, overall – I suppose I’ve just convinced myself to be permanently okay with what I’m doing, and with where I am. Therefore I might as well keep to my old promises.
While you were establishing relationships, learning love, building trust – all to handle this world & its misery, I was doing all that ‘handling’ alone. We all face storms. We’re stronger hand in hand. I just learned how to brunt it empty handed.
What’s come is this permanent mellow. Or ceaseless endurance. Choose either word, depending on whether or not you want to flatter me.
If I could properly explain this I could change a person’s life. But I cannot properly explain what it is to be as you are no matter where you are.
I can do something. I can show one thing. Maybe.
Because, you see, on my darkest nights, my deepest nightmares, there still is – and always will be –
The Existence of This Here Song.
I found it last week.
And, you know, one day – that woman could be my wife.